Trust.

I just watched dvd's of my cousin's wedding and reception, the wedding from almost a year ago. It was so much fun to see again, to cry in all the same spots, and to get to see them close-up instead of several pews away. I love the way my cousin treats his wife, how gentle and sweet he is to her, and it makes me weep. It makes me weep because it's so beautiful, and it makes me weep because it's what I've always wanted, what I'm praying for.

My mom has told me often that this will be the hardest time in my life, this, right now, being in my twenties, not married or engaged yet, and not yet finished with school. I'm glad to hear it, but there are times it doesn't really help, knowing that it'll get easier from here. There are times when it's so DIFFICULT. Mom and I were talking a few weeks ago about my future, and about how working for a tour group in London would be super, but how it's a dream for my career; the dream of my heart is to be married to a wonderful man -- it's all I've ever really wanted. There are some people who have lofty goals for their career, knowing exactly what they want to be, where they want to work. I've never been one of those people, which is why school was so tough for a while, trying to decide on a major -- because a career isn't Very Important to me. What I want to be when I grow up, is a good wife, a wife who is supportive and loving and who encourages her husband in Christ. A woman married to a man who cherishes her; a marriage of love and laughter, God, and adoration. I'll be a teacher, yes, but it's not The Most Important thing on my list. There are so many times when I want to hurry things along, when I get impatient with God, or worry that things aren't falling into place, and then I realise what an idiot I am being. There are times like tonight when I cry to God, and I need to repeat Psalms 37:4 to myself over and over again -- my mantra, and the reason for this journal's address:

Trust [or delight yourself, depending on the version] in the Lord,
and He will give you the
desires of your heart.

And it's strange; though I've loved that verse, I never over the past year prayed to the Lord and confided in Him about the deepest desire of my heart, not once. Part of it was that I was afraid to voice it, afraid to say it out loud, fearing it might sound silly, but you know, I didn't hear derisive or incredulous laughter streaming from heaven, so it must not've been too bad. I talked to Him about it, told Him how it's been on my mind for the past year, especially the past few months, and that I can't figure out any reason for it, except that it's from Him. I pray every time it crosses my mind, and though there are still times like tonight where I wish I could just fast-forward to see how everything worked out, to see how the pieces are falling into place, I am content knowing that He's in control, that things are going exactly the way they're supposed to be. Once I confided in Him and put my trust in His ability to work it out, to make these desires reality, nearly all my anxiety regarding it, dissapated. I'm not going to say that it all disappeared, because there are still times when I get a bit impatient, wondering exactly what He's doing.

It's always been a difficult thing for me to try to figure out, the line between God being in control of everything and working everything out, and yet being active, knowing what He wants me to do regarding it -- because, face it, why would He want someone just sitting back and twiddling his thumbs; why on earth would that be acceptable? Figuring out what to do without trying to regain control after acknowledging the relinquishment of it to God, has always been difficult for me to understand.

One thing that has helped me regarding this confusion, is a part of an article published in the newsletter from my brother's college; in it, one of the English professors shares a list of things that he's learned over the years. One is (not verbatim, but I don't have it here), "I have learned it is better not to wait and ask for God to show me what I should do, but to go ahead, and pray that I'm doing the right thing." I cannot tell you how much that helped me. I have gone ahead and done something, taken what seemed like the next step, praying that I was doing the right thing -- and, from the overwhelming peace I received, as well as the feedback I received from strong Christians, I know that I was.