Thinking

How lucky I am that the multiple thousands of dollars of debt that I've racked up playing Vegas-style solitaire on my computer in the middle of the night isn't real.

I just went to CompareDecideVote and I am evenly divided between Bush and Kerry. Freak me out. I have a knot of anxiety in my stomach over this election similar to the knot of anxiety in my stomach over surgery this spring. What if I vote for the wrong one?

Get on my bad side 1.0

Seduce college students into voting for you by serving them JonBonJovi and Bruce Springsteen as delectable side dishes to your pathetic speeches. VOTE FOR ME - I BRING ROCK STARS TO YOUR CAMPUS.

differing opinions and complete respect

There's a guy on campus whom I've been getting to know over the past semester. Patrick's been attending there nearly as long as I have, and though I knew who he was, we'd never spent time talking or anything...until this semester. I'm having a wonderful time getting to know him, and I respect him more than just about anyone else I've ever known -- on campus and off. One thing I respect about him is that he is so meticulous, thoughtful, and well-informed. He's voting for Kerry in this election, knows I'm not, and we don't argue about it. He doesn't try to change my mind; but when he finds information from a reputable source that shows Bush to not be a good leader, he makes the information available to me, and vice versa.

The other day, there was a girl in the learning lab on the computer between us who said that she was just fed up with this whole election and isn't going to vote. Pat was horrified. "You're not going to vote?!" Right. She isn't going to vote. "Why?" She didn't have a real answer. "One of the worst things you can do is not vote. [he gestured to me] D's voting -- she and I are not voting for the same person, but I am glad she's voting."

****

There was a debate on campus yesterday between the democratic incumbent for a position in Madison, and her opponent. The incumbent was horribly rude, obnoxious, arrogant, and loud. I couldn't stand her. When her opponent was stating his case, she was crossing her arms and acting like he wasn't worth listening to; when she talked, she pointed her finger at him and yelled and was a total jerk. Afterwards, I went up to the republican, shook his hand, thanked him for coming -- "You are SO getting my vote." heh. He seemed taken a little off-guard.

In the crush of 225 people pushing for the doors, Pat and I ended up next to each other, and as we went into the hallway, I noticed the College Republican's table set up, with a roll of 4"x3" BUSH CHENEY 04 stickers sitting on it. We said goodbye, and then I doubled back to the table, snatched a sticker, and put it on his backpack...without him noticing. Unfortunately, his older brother (who's a prof) saw, thought it was funny but that I was going to get myself in trouble, and alerted Pat as to what was on his backpack. I was far away by this time, heh. :P

Later, I walked into the Learning Lab to check my e-mail; Patrick was there. I struck up a conversation... "Hey, Pat, I just wanted to tell you how thrilled I was to see you sporting a BUSH CHENEY 04 sticker earlier. I know they would be thrilled to know that they have your full support this election." One thing I adore is his sense of humour -- he totally didn't miss a beat.

"Yes. I know some people might be surprised by it, but, you know, I've thought about it a lot, and I've realised it was the only logical decision to make. ... That, or some [D] character put it on my backpack."

suburban roadkill

suburban roadkill
pours forth its powdery guts
onto the white lines,
dusting passing tires with
chalky graininess.

The count is up to 5

Two more A's today. French and Astronomy (!!!!!!).

Since I'm not a seasoned user of bad language, I'm just plain thrilled.

Quote Book & 150%

Recently, I began keeping Quote Book. Quote Book is gradually being filled with funny, thought-provoking, interesting, and otherwise noteworthy quotes I hear throughout my day -- usually from people at school. Quote Book gains a few new quotes every weekday...what can I say? I know some pretty darn interesting people.

Recent additions to Quote Book:

• "Why? Because I'm a nerd, that's why." - MSP
• "I'm pretty sure that's what's holding my car together -- bumper stickers." - KJF
• "I don't have the money to put you all on a plane for somewhere fun and warm and where the legal drinking age is seventeen." - MSP
• "A mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled." - Plutarch
• "You know the proverb, 'All things come to he who waiteth'? I like to amend that...I say, 'All things come to he who waiteth and worketh like hell while he waiteth.'" -MSP

Middleface to this post: You know, I'm not against bad language. In fact, I think there is a time and a place for it...but obviously not all the time, everywhere. I'm glad that I have this viewpoint, because if I used bad language all the time, what on earth would I say when confronted with something really awful?

I had a really, really good conversation with ms-prof and a buddy of mine tonight; we talked for nearly two hours after class finished. The main focus of our discussion was on how the public school system is so obscenely dumbed-down; how students are applauded for anything they do, whether or not their work is good and worthy of praise; how undiscipline, mediocrity, and poor work has become so accepted. This brought to the surface so much stuff for me; I am so sick of being surrounded by people who do half-assed work and then get mad at me when I do well. Case in point: Today I received my third A in French class. There is a girl in my class who makes a point of asking me how I do on the tests and, when I tell her, gets so miffed and acts like such a jerk. I figure if she didn't want to know, she shouldn't've asked. If she wanted to do well in that class, she should be in the Learning Lab by 8:30 each morning, getting things taped, making flashcards, too; yes, I have a natural propensity for languages, but I still work my butt off, to ensure good grades. She can study and be a good student, or, fine. She is welcome to wallow in her mediocrity, but I want her bad attitude to leave me and my A's alone.

I love doing well in school. A couple semesters ago, I was working 43+ hours a week in an incredibly high-stress environment, and taking 18 credits. There was no time to study, as I was in school from 8:30 am through 3 pm, and worked from 3 until 10:30 or later; I live half an hour away, so a usual day involved me being out from 7:45 AM until 11:15 PM or so. I cannot exist on fewer than six hours of sleep; I get physically ill (and, um, why am I sitting here instead of sleeping? I got two hours of sleep last night because I was so stressed out about my French test; for at least 5 days before a test, I don't sleep well, and I hardly eat anything. It's like I go through anorexic phases ten times per semester). I failed two classes. Failed. I'd never failed a class before. I totally lost all confidence in my ability as a student, and had such a low opinion of myself; I thought I was stupid -- because how else could I fail even one class? Even now, when I get straight A's, I still don't have confidence in my ability. My professors love me, they uphold me as a good example; tonight, in fact, ms-prof read aloud one of my answers (he actually didn't say it was mine, because "I don't want to embarrass [this student" but, heh, I have my answers memorized) for the test we took a week ago, and applauded it, saying it was excellent and just the kind of answer he was looking for...and that he hadn't, prior to reading my answer, even been aware of some of the facts I presented. That's what I like to hear. :D

The conversation we had tonight motivated me even more -- I am going to conquer math. Maths and sciences have never been my forte, and I thought they were just subjects that I would never understand. He told me tonight that math is a skill, math is a really good skill to have, and that being skilled in mathematics opens so many doors. Conquering math is no different than conquering a language or a musical instrument, and I have proven multiple times that I'm capable of doing those things. Tonight when I got home, I pulled out my old Algebra II book; there were some concepts in there that I still have trouble with, and I am going to figure them out. I finished my Intro to College Algebra course with a B, and I know I can do better than that. I'm sick of being intimidated by math.

Another point ms-prof made tonight that hit home was about how, when a professor tells you that you need to do that much to get a good grade on the test, why do only that much?! Why not do THIS MUCH, and have complete knowledge of the subject?

I'm starting Nicholas Nickleby, by Charles Dickens; I feel like such a sponge, wanting to soak up as much knowledge as possible.

smellin good, man!

"I'm no longer a person!! You've reduced me from a human being with feelings, to a mere aroma."

You are so in my quote book, man.

ethical dilemmi

I posed an ethical question to one of my fellow SGA members today: Is it wrong to refer to a professor as "a fine specimen of manhood" and/or "eyecandy"?

Apparently not. Yay.

----

Guys who smell good should expect to have women sniffing their necks at frequent intervals during the day, and not shoo them away.

what was I thinking?!

Yesterday morning I went to the lib on campus to get Ovid's "Metamorphose" [for a wee bit of light reading]. I found it in the computer catalogue, and went to find it on the shelf, but the numbering system here is so screwed up. It doesn't make any sense. At all. So, where Ovid was supposed to be, there was a book creatively titled, "The Boston Strangler."

I checked it out.


Seriously. Me. The freakiest, most paranoid person on the planet, checked out a book on the Boston Strangler! As if I were not already looking over my shoulder enough. I read twenty pages in cafeteria, and got so freezing cold from shaken nerves that I had to put on my jacket and buy food just to warm up.

I left "Amélie" playing in my dvd player all night, so there would be light and sound in the room, and I wouldn't think that a strangler was skulking in the shadows (or at least it would cover up the sound of his footsteps, heh).

But last night, I didn't dream about being strangled. I dreamed about the Russian Revolution, when Nicholas II was ousted and he and his family were murdered; in a woods in Russia, while searching for their remains, workers found a human finger. A finger. Ew. And that is true. Anyway, this finger had centre stage in my dream -- the guy who found it found another one, too, and was going to take them home and paint the fingernails and then put one on display in his house or something [sicko]. And just then when he was holding the fingers and cackling, and a cold chill went down my spine, I woke up, clutching my pillow to myself and seriously freaking out.

richard cory

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him.
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich - yes, richer than a king -
And admirably schooled in every grace.
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

-Edwin Arlington Robinson

I adore verse two especially. Verse three, because it's followed by verse four, gives me chills.

recent developments

• I am learning how to play guitar -- I am so excited, even though it's making my tennis elbow/tendonitis flare up almost much as playing violin does.
• I have been over at K&J's (the young couple with two kids whom I met through my mom a while ago; I mentioned K in one of my posts) house last night and the night before. They are wonderful, and K and I hit it off especially; she is so sweet, and so funny, I can't help but love her. She's like...an older sister closer to my age. I love it! J is the one who is teaching me guitar; in return, I'm teaching him violin.
• I think ms prof is being my friend. This is weird. Nice, but disconcerting. I feel like I need to e-mail my old music professor and admit that ms prof is not an arrogant jerk as I had once claimed (to him, my music prof, over munchies at Applebees after a concert).
• I see Joshua Bell again in five (5) days.
• I just might need to employ bad language in French class tomorrow.
• I hate brushing my teeth in front of people.
• I hate watching people brush their teeth.
• Whenever I wash my face, I'm afraid someone is going to come up behind me and try to drown me in the sink. Friday morning was the first morning in 12 years that I have been able to keep my eyes shut during the entire face-warshing procedure -- at the cost of much mental torture. I haven't been able to do it again.

wow.

As of ten days ago, I cannot walk outside without being amazed. My breath catches in my throat, and a multitude of emotions swarm in, around, and through my being. I am in awe. I feel insignificant, yet incredibly special. Chosen.

Astronomy photos
Orion nebula

...something new each day...

Today I was taught how to say "Would you like to sleep with me" in French. It sounds so much classier in a foreign language.

Right after I learned it, I announced it to the quiet fine arts centre -- only to be horribly embarrassed when the guy washing the doors gave me a grin, "Oui!!"
"*petrified* You...know what I said?"
"Je parle français!"
"Merde!" *


* Crap, okay? Crap.

Remember this: caveat.

Because I've gradually gotten sadder and sadder over the course of the day while thinking about stuff, I'm writing this list as a pathetic attempt to cheer myself up. Or at least lessen the sadness a trifle.

1. I went stargazing the other night.
2. My french teacher rocks.
3. Someone who used to never acknowledge that I exist, has been having deep, really good conversations with me over the past few weeks, and is making an effort to get to know me.
4. I got a box of nerds a few nights ago [nerd points] because I found Casseiopia all by myself.
5. I'm having Thanksgiving tomorrow with my family [on Thanksgiving Day, I'll be catching a flight to London].
6. I've met such a fun, sweet young married mother who lives, like, two miles from where I live.
7. I've heard the word "caveat" used twice today. Rock on.
8. Today, I listened to a lecture on the physics behind rainbows, and -- wait for it, wait for it -- actually understood it.
9. I can bake pies now.
10. Conan's on.