Bursting
I'm coming apart at the seams today, and it is the most frustrating feeling ever. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I got hardly any sleep last night, and when I tried to catnap this afternoon, a group of kids decided to play -- loudly -- right under my window. Out of the hundreds of rooms, they picked MY window.
And it has to do with the fact that I'm feeling extraordinarily lonely -- the kind of heavy, heartbreaking loneliness where tears are just a breath away; and that from this end, the days I have to wait until John and I see each other again, well, they're stretching into what seems like forever.
I had a midterm today, and three papers due; my final is on Thursday, and another three papers due then. I'm feeling utterly overwhelmed and exhausted right now, and I wish more than anything that it were the future, and that I could escape and be folded in those arms.
Instead, I'm sitting in my room with the TV on behind me for company, and eating a box of grape tomatoes, plotting out my papers before I type them up (this is why essay questions are the easiest for me; because I write everything out in my head before I ever touch the pen or keyboard).
Music Recommendations:
If you have iTunes or Limewire (preferably iTunes), download "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," by the Ab Orchestra. And then "Pavane," played by Steve Erquiaga. These songs are the soundtrack to my day; they always soothe my heart.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Chapters in Solitude.
Chapters in Solitude.
I tend to think of life as divided into neat little compartments - chapters. In some ways, this view is far too simplistic, but I rather like it. Some recent chapters in my life were:
Years 2002-2004 Chapter: At the Other College, living at home, working.
Spring Semester 2005 Chapter: Transferring to This College; Mono; going from having dozens of friends to only three.
Fall Semester 2005 Chapter I (September through November 2nd): Back at school after a summer at home; taking 17 credits; tired of boys and their stupid mind games.
Fall Semester 2005 Chapter II (beginning on November 2nd): I met John. And I knew I had stumbled across exactly what I wanted. Shortly before I met him, I had written this:
After I met John, I forgot what solitude was -- with the exception of a little reminder durig separate at-home weekends during Christmas break. In each other, we had a constant companion, someone to read with, watch movies with, talk with, love, and just be with. As soon as I met him, I forgot what loneliness was; as I had predicted, it disappeared without a trace, except for my delight in being with him. Like shinsplints, I didn't note the exact day the memory of loneliness disappeared; I realized it had left, after the fact, and it was relegated to the cobwebby recesses of my mind.
But this, starting two days ago, is the beginning of another chapter, one that is quite lonely, again. John has moved back to his family's house, in order to begin substitute teaching and save the $800 he would spend each month on rent, utilities, and food. Instead of being one mile away, taking care of me when I'm sick, and available any time of the day or night, he will be 270 miles away. To the people who read this and have spent months being thousands of miles apart, I know I'm being a bit of a baby. I was able to see him every single day for eight months, and I know that is pretty incredible -- and I am eternally thankful for it.
And this loneliness is not without a silver lining; for we appreciate each other more the times we are able to spend time together. And instead of being a pointless solitude, there is a purpose behind it.
So, you see, as lonely as I am right now, I know what's waiting at the end of the solitude. And that makes it bearable.
I tend to think of life as divided into neat little compartments - chapters. In some ways, this view is far too simplistic, but I rather like it. Some recent chapters in my life were:
Years 2002-2004 Chapter: At the Other College, living at home, working.
Spring Semester 2005 Chapter: Transferring to This College; Mono; going from having dozens of friends to only three.
Fall Semester 2005 Chapter I (September through November 2nd): Back at school after a summer at home; taking 17 credits; tired of boys and their stupid mind games.
Fall Semester 2005 Chapter II (beginning on November 2nd): I met John. And I knew I had stumbled across exactly what I wanted. Shortly before I met him, I had written this:
I used to hate my loneliness and try to avoid it at all costs. But now, now that I can see the rest of my life stretching out before me, unfurling like a beautiful canvas, I don't hate this last bit of loneliness. I'm rather enjoying it, knowing that I won't endure it much longer. Instead of loneliness dogging my every move, it's more like the subtle itching pain of shinsplints the day before they disappear. It's something I can deal with now; I can cope, instead of trying to ignore that it exists.
And as I sit here alone, my eyes continually searching the space around me, I see a toddler and his father out for a walk, thick, dark grass underfoot, the chilly breeze playing with the yellow leaves, and late-afternoon sunlight dappling the sidewalk, and I think to myself, In a few years, I could be the mother who's at home getting hot chocolate ready for when her men come home; shoes off, reading a book, and enjoying the solitude.
And that's what makes it bearable now, I think; knowing that I won't be alone too much longer.
After I met John, I forgot what solitude was -- with the exception of a little reminder durig separate at-home weekends during Christmas break. In each other, we had a constant companion, someone to read with, watch movies with, talk with, love, and just be with. As soon as I met him, I forgot what loneliness was; as I had predicted, it disappeared without a trace, except for my delight in being with him. Like shinsplints, I didn't note the exact day the memory of loneliness disappeared; I realized it had left, after the fact, and it was relegated to the cobwebby recesses of my mind.
But this, starting two days ago, is the beginning of another chapter, one that is quite lonely, again. John has moved back to his family's house, in order to begin substitute teaching and save the $800 he would spend each month on rent, utilities, and food. Instead of being one mile away, taking care of me when I'm sick, and available any time of the day or night, he will be 270 miles away. To the people who read this and have spent months being thousands of miles apart, I know I'm being a bit of a baby. I was able to see him every single day for eight months, and I know that is pretty incredible -- and I am eternally thankful for it.
And this loneliness is not without a silver lining; for we appreciate each other more the times we are able to spend time together. And instead of being a pointless solitude, there is a purpose behind it.
So, you see, as lonely as I am right now, I know what's waiting at the end of the solitude. And that makes it bearable.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
The Sitcom Game
Last night, John and I were discussing our Top Ten Favourite Sitcoms. Stupidly, I was the one who suggested the topic, and then I realized that I haven't even seen a total of ten different sitcoms.
So the list of myTop Ten Favourite Sitcoms goes as follows:
"Frasier"
"Seinfeld"
"Friends"
"That 70s Show"
"Yes, Dear"
"I Love Lucy"
And that's about it.
John was showing off his pop culture prowess, tossing out names like "Three's Company," "Cheers," "Happy Days," and "All in the Family." This is the guy who grew up listening to Van Halen, Billy Joel, The Beatles, The Who, and The Rolling Stones, too, if that helps; I've just discovered all those artists in the past year. As I explained to him today though, when he was flabbergasted (again; one would think he'd get used to it) over another song I hadn't heard, I reminded him that a life with me will never be boring -- he'll always be able to teach me something.
And I love that.
So the list of my
"Frasier"
"Seinfeld"
"Friends"
"That 70s Show"
"Yes, Dear"
"I Love Lucy"
And that's about it.
John was showing off his pop culture prowess, tossing out names like "Three's Company," "Cheers," "Happy Days," and "All in the Family." This is the guy who grew up listening to Van Halen, Billy Joel, The Beatles, The Who, and The Rolling Stones, too, if that helps; I've just discovered all those artists in the past year. As I explained to him today though, when he was flabbergasted (again; one would think he'd get used to it) over another song I hadn't heard, I reminded him that a life with me will never be boring -- he'll always be able to teach me something.
And I love that.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
One Hundred Things -- A healthy dose of narcissism.
One Hundred Things -- A healthy dose of narcissism.
1. I'm mostly Scandinavian, but English, French, and Danish, too.
2. I have lived in five places during my life; two with my family, and three at college.
3. I love listening to different languages and accents.
4. I'm a voracious reader, mostly because I love to read, but partially because I like saying that "I'm a voracious reader."
5. John's narratives while he cooks, well, they drive me crazy ("Now I will mince the onion in order for there to be maximum potential for the flavour to spread through the entire dish.").
6. I'm trying to find them ^ endearing.
7. I tend to get obsessive about things:
8. There are drinks I always drink (water, Diet Coke, and "Sex on the Beach"[if we go OUT out, which is rare]);
9. There are movies I can watch repeatedly without tiring of them ("Amelie");
10. Music I can't stop listening to (the Beatles' "Hey Jude," "Eleanor Rigby," Faure's "Pavane," the "Amelie" soundtrack, Natalie Cole's "This Will Be [An Everlasting Love]," and Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven");
11. And books I have to read at least four times a year; but can pick up anytime (The Time Traveller's Wife, Girl of the Limberlost, The Great Gatsby, and most of the Harry Potter series).
12. I would like to say that I'm adventurous, but really, I like coming home to my own spaces, my same old foods, and my comfortable surroundings.
13. But I do want to travel around the world.
14. I'm a History major, English minor, graduating next May.
15. I'll have to go on to get my Master's to do anything with it, really.
16. Even though I'll be living off substitute teaching for a while, I dread teaching teenagers (ugh).
17. I faint nearly every time I have blood drawn.
18. Eating disorders fascinate me -- they make me so hungry, and yet and want to throw up, both at the same time (maybe that's the idea?).
19. I hope to have a baby by the time I'm 24.
20. I can't wait to have my own apartment, slather paint on the walls, and pin up prints (and O! the potted plants I shall have!).
21. Magic Johnson had HiV?
22. As made apparent by #21, I've been behind on pop culture for most of my life.
23. I love tomatoes, avocadoes, olives, asparagus, and zucchini.
24. I spent the first 21.5 years of my life saying that I hated zucchini.
25. During my teenage years, I spent far too much time online.
26. I still spend too much time online, but now I can call it, "Research."
27. I've been to most of the fifty states, Canada, Mexico, and England.
28. I plan on going to Paris for a honeymoon.
29. John calls the train on a wedding dress, "entrails."
30. He doesn't do it on purpose, and this amuses me to no end.
31. I love the feeling of 64F weather, on a grey, cloudy morning.
32. The smell of coffee in the car, early in the morning, smells like a long journey.
33. That smell always excites me.
34. I hate dark beers and ales.
35. My favourite lotion is the "got 2b spa - body smoothie."
36. I already have names for my children.
37. I don't like fresh basil or cilantro in large doses.
38. I like cats, love a couple of them, and am open-minded about dogs -- even though there are only a few I really like.
39. People tell me all the time that I should be a librarian.
40. I can't stand the edges of fabric -- especially blankets -- touching me -- especially my neck.
41. I can't sleep with the left side of my neck uncovered.
42. Even though I once owned a tarantula, when I was 14, spiders freak me out to no end.
42b. ( John knows this and takes advantage of it ALL THE TIME.)
43. I'm considering going for a Master's in Library Science (see 39).
44. When I was little, I loved "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood."
45. I'm the middle child of five; an older brother, older sister, and two younger brothers.
46. During foggy mornings, I pretend that I'm in Yorkshire or Tuscany.
47. I get migraines.
48. I have a fear of people being in the room -- with me unaware of their presence.
49. Hence, I sleep with the lights on quite often.
50. Somewhat related, I hate the idea of something happening during the night, and me not able to see -- so I sleep with my glasses on, too.
51. I have met seven people whom I first met and knew (for years) online.
52. I love white tulips and roses; they look so clean.
53. I'm a fiend for home renovation/interior decorating TV shows.
54. I would like to be the best at something. I'm not picky what, just as long as I am.
55. I get a kick out of watching the all-night home-shopping shows. How long can they stretch out a description of one shirt?! It'd be fun to try, but I'd be horrible at it, because at some point, I'd cave and scream, "IT HAS SLEEVES AND BUTTONS AND YOU WEAR IT. Please, please buy it so I can go HOME."
56. One of my dreams is to work for a travel magazine.
57. Another one of my dreams -- one that's more realistic, is to get married, travel and work, and have babies. Babies!
58. I love babies. LOOOVE BABIES.
59. Related to #55: I became familiar with the late-night home-shopping shows after I had surgery on my foot a couple of summers ago; I wouldn't want to sleep without the TV on, for it kept me company, and kept me from hallucinating. Even now, I feel calmer with those shows keeping me company at night - they're so bland, so trustworthily calm and unflappable. They stand there, they talk, they go into 10-minute descriptions, they want you to buy it, THEY'RE GOING FAST. How comfortable.
60. I can make a mean loaf of dill bread (I love my dill bread).
61. I only like marshmallows when they're in Rice Krispie bars.
62. My favourite JellyBellies are the green apple and pina colada flavours.
63. Oh, and tangerine and grapefruit. YUM.
64. I'm developing an affinity for classic rock:
65. I can finally distinguish between the Rolling Stones, the Who, Van Halen, and Led Zeppelin.
66. I've attempted the whole no-carb deal.
67. It lasted until 11:30 that first morning, when I caved and steamed some rice.
68. If I had the money, I would cook fresh food everyday - vegetables, meats, and fruits.
69. I love the taste and smell of fresh vegetables - slicing, mincing, or dicing, sauteeing and steaming.
70. I grew up watching PBS, and still am enthralled by many of their programs (including, but not limited to, "Arthur").
71. The only sitcoms I ever watched, until this month, were "Seinfeld" and "Friends."
72. "Yes, Dear" is growing on me -- John said he had never seen me laugh as hard as I do during that show.
73. My family has never had cable; except for an 8-month period when we lived in Pennsylvania; thus, I have never watched THE SHOWS that people my age grew up watching.
74. I love long words).
75. I wish I could donate plasma ($30, 2x a week), but...see #17.
76. I have a funny feeling we'll have a Subaru someday.
77. I get extremely frightened, extremely easily.
78. I cry at Sylvan Learning Center commercials.
79. I have never owned a two-piece swimsuit.
80. Actually, I haven't had a new swimsuit (and therefore haven't really gone swimming since) since I was 10 years old.
81. I had tequila once -- and never will again.
82. Jack Black is one of my favourites.
83. I love to cook, and wish I had the money/time to do it more often.
84. I fiend for British Sitcoms (particularly "As Time Goes By" and "Monarch of the Glen").
85. My Mom and I used to plan around Saturday evenings, so that we could watch our lineup of BritSits.
86. I can read 4 normal-sized books per day (normal-sized: 250-300 pages).
87. I wish I could go back in time and live in the 1920's for a while; then the late 1940's and 1950's.
88. My toenails are always painted; my fingernails rarely are.
89. I've only taken one art class in my life, but I love art supplies.
90. I enjoy the menswear secton of better clothing stores; all the solid-colour, collared, long-sleeve shirts, and beautifully silky ties.
91. John reminds me of "Lionel," from "As Time Goes By," only not so snarky.
92. I can spend hours in Barnes&Noble.
93. The majority (96%) of my CDs are classical music.
94. John says that I'm not up on pop culture/music culture, but really, I'm totally all over it -- just not today's pop culture -- I could tell him everything about the music on the classical station.
95. I have never been to a rock concert.
96. Joshua Bell remembers me, knows my name (and even how to spell it), and gives me a hug everytime I go to a concert.
97. I wish people would say "whilst" more often.
98. There are few things I hate more than "The Lawrence Welk" show.
99. I love everything about summer except for the heat and allergens.
100. I have an uncanny knack for having vehicles that develop severe problems after a few months. ?!
1. I'm mostly Scandinavian, but English, French, and Danish, too.
2. I have lived in five places during my life; two with my family, and three at college.
3. I love listening to different languages and accents.
4. I'm a voracious reader, mostly because I love to read, but partially because I like saying that "I'm a voracious reader."
5. John's narratives while he cooks, well, they drive me crazy ("Now I will mince the onion in order for there to be maximum potential for the flavour to spread through the entire dish.").
6. I'm trying to find them ^ endearing.
7. I tend to get obsessive about things:
8. There are drinks I always drink (water, Diet Coke, and "Sex on the Beach"[if we go OUT out, which is rare]);
9. There are movies I can watch repeatedly without tiring of them ("Amelie");
10. Music I can't stop listening to (the Beatles' "Hey Jude," "Eleanor Rigby," Faure's "Pavane," the "Amelie" soundtrack, Natalie Cole's "This Will Be [An Everlasting Love]," and Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven");
11. And books I have to read at least four times a year; but can pick up anytime (The Time Traveller's Wife, Girl of the Limberlost, The Great Gatsby, and most of the Harry Potter series).
12. I would like to say that I'm adventurous, but really, I like coming home to my own spaces, my same old foods, and my comfortable surroundings.
13. But I do want to travel around the world.
14. I'm a History major, English minor, graduating next May.
15. I'll have to go on to get my Master's to do anything with it, really.
16. Even though I'll be living off substitute teaching for a while, I dread teaching teenagers (ugh).
17. I faint nearly every time I have blood drawn.
18. Eating disorders fascinate me -- they make me so hungry, and yet and want to throw up, both at the same time (maybe that's the idea?).
19. I hope to have a baby by the time I'm 24.
20. I can't wait to have my own apartment, slather paint on the walls, and pin up prints (and O! the potted plants I shall have!).
21. Magic Johnson had HiV?
22. As made apparent by #21, I've been behind on pop culture for most of my life.
23. I love tomatoes, avocadoes, olives, asparagus, and zucchini.
24. I spent the first 21.5 years of my life saying that I hated zucchini.
25. During my teenage years, I spent far too much time online.
26. I still spend too much time online, but now I can call it, "Research."
27. I've been to most of the fifty states, Canada, Mexico, and England.
28. I plan on going to Paris for a honeymoon.
29. John calls the train on a wedding dress, "entrails."
30. He doesn't do it on purpose, and this amuses me to no end.
31. I love the feeling of 64F weather, on a grey, cloudy morning.
32. The smell of coffee in the car, early in the morning, smells like a long journey.
33. That smell always excites me.
34. I hate dark beers and ales.
35. My favourite lotion is the "got 2b spa - body smoothie."
36. I already have names for my children.
37. I don't like fresh basil or cilantro in large doses.
38. I like cats, love a couple of them, and am open-minded about dogs -- even though there are only a few I really like.
39. People tell me all the time that I should be a librarian.
40. I can't stand the edges of fabric -- especially blankets -- touching me -- especially my neck.
41. I can't sleep with the left side of my neck uncovered.
42. Even though I once owned a tarantula, when I was 14, spiders freak me out to no end.
42b. ( John knows this and takes advantage of it ALL THE TIME.)
43. I'm considering going for a Master's in Library Science (see 39).
44. When I was little, I loved "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood."
45. I'm the middle child of five; an older brother, older sister, and two younger brothers.
46. During foggy mornings, I pretend that I'm in Yorkshire or Tuscany.
47. I get migraines.
48. I have a fear of people being in the room -- with me unaware of their presence.
49. Hence, I sleep with the lights on quite often.
50. Somewhat related, I hate the idea of something happening during the night, and me not able to see -- so I sleep with my glasses on, too.
51. I have met seven people whom I first met and knew (for years) online.
52. I love white tulips and roses; they look so clean.
53. I'm a fiend for home renovation/interior decorating TV shows.
54. I would like to be the best at something. I'm not picky what, just as long as I am.
55. I get a kick out of watching the all-night home-shopping shows. How long can they stretch out a description of one shirt?! It'd be fun to try, but I'd be horrible at it, because at some point, I'd cave and scream, "IT HAS SLEEVES AND BUTTONS AND YOU WEAR IT. Please, please buy it so I can go HOME."
56. One of my dreams is to work for a travel magazine.
57. Another one of my dreams -- one that's more realistic, is to get married, travel and work, and have babies. Babies!
58. I love babies. LOOOVE BABIES.
59. Related to #55: I became familiar with the late-night home-shopping shows after I had surgery on my foot a couple of summers ago; I wouldn't want to sleep without the TV on, for it kept me company, and kept me from hallucinating. Even now, I feel calmer with those shows keeping me company at night - they're so bland, so trustworthily calm and unflappable. They stand there, they talk, they go into 10-minute descriptions, they want you to buy it, THEY'RE GOING FAST. How comfortable.
60. I can make a mean loaf of dill bread (I love my dill bread).
61. I only like marshmallows when they're in Rice Krispie bars.
62. My favourite JellyBellies are the green apple and pina colada flavours.
63. Oh, and tangerine and grapefruit. YUM.
64. I'm developing an affinity for classic rock:
65. I can finally distinguish between the Rolling Stones, the Who, Van Halen, and Led Zeppelin.
66. I've attempted the whole no-carb deal.
67. It lasted until 11:30 that first morning, when I caved and steamed some rice.
68. If I had the money, I would cook fresh food everyday - vegetables, meats, and fruits.
69. I love the taste and smell of fresh vegetables - slicing, mincing, or dicing, sauteeing and steaming.
70. I grew up watching PBS, and still am enthralled by many of their programs (including, but not limited to, "Arthur").
71. The only sitcoms I ever watched, until this month, were "Seinfeld" and "Friends."
72. "Yes, Dear" is growing on me -- John said he had never seen me laugh as hard as I do during that show.
73. My family has never had cable; except for an 8-month period when we lived in Pennsylvania; thus, I have never watched THE SHOWS that people my age grew up watching.
74. I love long words).
75. I wish I could donate plasma ($30, 2x a week), but...see #17.
76. I have a funny feeling we'll have a Subaru someday.
77. I get extremely frightened, extremely easily.
78. I cry at Sylvan Learning Center commercials.
79. I have never owned a two-piece swimsuit.
80. Actually, I haven't had a new swimsuit (and therefore haven't really gone swimming since) since I was 10 years old.
81. I had tequila once -- and never will again.
82. Jack Black is one of my favourites.
83. I love to cook, and wish I had the money/time to do it more often.
84. I fiend for British Sitcoms (particularly "As Time Goes By" and "Monarch of the Glen").
85. My Mom and I used to plan around Saturday evenings, so that we could watch our lineup of BritSits.
86. I can read 4 normal-sized books per day (normal-sized: 250-300 pages).
87. I wish I could go back in time and live in the 1920's for a while; then the late 1940's and 1950's.
88. My toenails are always painted; my fingernails rarely are.
89. I've only taken one art class in my life, but I love art supplies.
90. I enjoy the menswear secton of better clothing stores; all the solid-colour, collared, long-sleeve shirts, and beautifully silky ties.
91. John reminds me of "Lionel," from "As Time Goes By," only not so snarky.
92. I can spend hours in Barnes&Noble.
93. The majority (96%) of my CDs are classical music.
94. John says that I'm not up on pop culture/music culture, but really, I'm totally all over it -- just not today's pop culture -- I could tell him everything about the music on the classical station.
95. I have never been to a rock concert.
96. Joshua Bell remembers me, knows my name (and even how to spell it), and gives me a hug everytime I go to a concert.
97. I wish people would say "whilst" more often.
98. There are few things I hate more than "The Lawrence Welk" show.
99. I love everything about summer except for the heat and allergens.
100. I have an uncanny knack for having vehicles that develop severe problems after a few months. ?!
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Welcome Insomnia.
Welcome Insomnia.
It's 4:20 AM, and I've been awake since shortly after 3. But where I would generally despise this whole insomnia thing, I'm relishing it right now. I was out of commission with a migraine (the second in three days) from 10AM-8PM yesterday. It included me wandering around, my eyes closed and walking softly so as to a) not throw up and b) not jar my skull, oh, the pressure inside, trying to find something cool and solid to press my throbbing head into, and then hours of lying down, my arm across my eyes, trying to block out any bit of light. This early-morning cool air, the sky dark and quiet, the city noises finished for the night, is so welcome.
It's 4:20 AM, and I've been awake since shortly after 3. But where I would generally despise this whole insomnia thing, I'm relishing it right now. I was out of commission with a migraine (the second in three days) from 10AM-8PM yesterday. It included me wandering around, my eyes closed and walking softly so as to a) not throw up and b) not jar my skull, oh, the pressure inside, trying to find something cool and solid to press my throbbing head into, and then hours of lying down, my arm across my eyes, trying to block out any bit of light. This early-morning cool air, the sky dark and quiet, the city noises finished for the night, is so welcome.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
