Thursday, November 30, 2006

Right on the mark...

Something I wrote on a friend's blog, which, when reviewed, seems to so aptly summarize my life -- full of paranoia and parenthesis[es]:

I'm generally neurotic about doors, but because my bathroom is right here in my room (thus I'm the only one who has access to it), I find myself leaving the bathroom door open. Even when I'm in the shower. It's funny, because I used to totally be like you in that regard (THE DOOR MUST BE CLOSED), but now the thought of closing the door when I'm showering freaks me out (I need to hear what's going on in my room; what if someone sneaks in and I can't hear them because the door is closed and then when I come out they stab me! IT COULD HAPPEN.)!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Spreading the cheer...

In my search for an injection of Christmas cheer, I discovered's Christmas Channel. It's non-stop, commercial-free stream of Christmas music. There are lots of classics, with Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra, some Johnny Mathis, some instrumental, and then Mannheim Steamroller (one of my favourites!) and the Transsiberian Orchestra.

Now all I need: Eight inches of snow, more little twinkle lights, some candy canes, and an opportunity to snuggle with my warm, handsome man in front of a fire.

23 days until Christmas break!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


One of my favourite commercials ever (and I used part of my iTunes gift certificate to download the song playing in the background).

Monday, November 27, 2006

so tired.

I am so tired, and just about to go take a nap.

A nap? On a Monday afternoon?! Shouldn't I be in class?!?

Yes, normally. But today, I received an e-mail that said the professor for my 3-hour afternoon class is sick! I feel sorry for her, and I hope she gets well very soon. But at the same time, I am thrilled to not have to go to class.

And then I found out that from now on, my Historical Research Methods (HRM) class won't be meeting, as the professor is giving us this time to research! Hooray!! This means that from now until December 18th, I won't have any afternoon classes on Wednesdays or Fridays, and only my 11-12 and 3-6 class on Mondays!

...but the presentation time for the HRM class is in the latest time slot that they have available for finals: 3-5PM on December 22nd. By the time I finish, it'll be all dark outside, so I'll probably wait to make the 2-hour trip to mom and dad's until the morning of the 23rd. Hardly any Christmas prep time, again.

Next year will be different. :)

Sunday, November 26, 2006


Lately, everything seems to make my heart full, but then make me want to cry.

Examples of Heart Full:
jb (john. :) ).
getting to spend parts of each of the last five days with him.
knowing i have one semester left after this one, and then i'm finished.
in 230 days, we'll be married.
waking up at jeanne (jb's mom)'s house and knowing that I get to spend a part of the day with him.
knowing that jb's mom loves and approves of me, too (she told jb last week that if she had to pick the person who would be the ideal daughter-in-law and future mother, it would be me).
being loved by him.
the warm glow that seems to surround me whenever I'm with John.

Examples of things that make me cry instantly:
getting to spend only parts of those days with jb, since he had to work 8 hours every day.
knowing that I still have to make it through the last few weeks of this semester and then another..
230 days. Two-hundred-thirty.
sleeping at jeanne's house and dreaming multiple times each night that it's Christmas break and I can stay there for almost forever...then waking up and being devastated at the fact that it was only Thanksgiving, and I had to leave in such a short time.
after visiting jb, coming back to my dorm and opening the door to such a quiet, dark place. it's a cozy room, but it feels so much less cozy compared to the last five days i spent wrapped in those arms.
the coldness that seems to envelop me and freeze my edges when i have to leave jb and am alone again; it's days before I thaw out and feel warm again.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

position of catcher:

I just finished reading Catcher in the Rye. Well, actually, I just finished rereading it. I'd read it once before, four years ago, mainly during breaks during my job. I didn't the book then, as it was too raw, too consuming.

I had to read it again for my Major Author class; there's a quiz on it Tuesday afternoon. I read it all today, and forced myself to take a break from it, halfway through. It's too real. It's like reading someone's diary, someone's thoughts, and that makes me uncomfortable. This book makes me incredibly listless...depressed, even. and while I appreciate it more now than I did four years ago, I still don't like it. A huge part of me despises it.

I partially detest it because I cannot mentally separate J.D. Salinger from his creation. Certainly, the book is semi-autobiographical; yet it's Salinger himself who disturbs me. I read a biography on him last week; if he were a normal eccentric (sorry for the oxymoron), I could find a way to relate to him, on some level. But he is beyond eccentric; and his life is full of contraditions. I know that in itself is not a good enough reason to write him off -- pardon the pun -- but he agitates me to the point where I can't view his work without thinking of the author himself.

A few oddities:

Salinger served in the U.S. military during WWII, from 1942-45. He was half-Jewish, yet the Holocaust never appeared to make any sort of impact on him; he was apathetic about it. He arrested members of the Nazi party, then married one in 1945.

He never finished even a year of college, and forced his young girlfriends to drop out of college in order to be with him.

Oh, yes; the "young girlfriends"? He had a thing for 16 year olds. That was okay back in the '40s, when he was in his early twenties, but when he was 54 and interested in them...that's just...ugh. His current wife is roughly 43 years younger than he is.

There are so many other odd, disturbing things, but the ones I listed are some of the ones that I really just don't understand. I can't relate to him on any level, yet when I read his books it's as though I am in his skin, for a while, and it's incredibly depressing.

Did that make any sense? I don't know.

Friday, November 17, 2006

the elusive music

there is a song that has been haunting me for a very long time. first heard two years ago, it flits through my mind on quiet, cold, dreary, dreamy days, feeling as though i'm sliding through space, everything cushioned - yet simultaneously amplified. i know that might not make any sense, but it's as though i'm in a dream-state, a continual observer, yet never observed.

i have never been able to discover who sings the song, or what group produced it. i would hear clips of it every once in a while, but still! no luck.

i was at a friend's house last sunday afternoon, and nearly jumped out of my skin when this commercial came on the tv.

i got goosebumps, and asked my friends what that music was -- but none of them knew.

this morning i searched online, looking up "gaming commercials," "video game commercials," etc., until i found that video on youTube.

i found it on iTunes (and got it for free, from blingo).

at last.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Olive Garden, The

Olive Garden, The

Why the Olive Garden, you ask? Not only because I scored two (count them: one, two!) free meals there, courtesy of amazing people (including John), but because of this. So confident are they that you will still return to their restaurant, even if you can make the same thing at home...that they put up all of my favourite recipes online.

Oh, Chicken Marsala, this weekend when I'm at my parent's house, with free access to kitchen and food, I'll pair you with Tuscan Potatoes!!

I am nearly hyperentilating with excitement. John and I discussed just today that when he comes here to visit, we should cook more often, rather than going out. I was trying to think of something spectacular to cook here, and then discovered this wealth of delicious recipes.

Oh, Olive Garden. I love you.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!!

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!!

I am so freaking excited. It's snowing out right now, beautiful flakes falling purposefully towards the ground, undisturbed by any wind. The beautiful night makes me think of The Snowman, a movie that absolutely enchanted me when I was a kid.

Why am I so delighted? There are two main reasons:

1.) I love, love, love everything about Christmas
2.) Really, if the weather is going to be as cold and nasty as it has been the past three weeks, I'd like there to be snow on the ground. Thank you.

So I'm sitting here at my desk, only a little tired from my weekend, listening to "Christmas with the Academy" and thinking of all my Christmases. I love the smells of Christmas, the smell of the fresh, clean snow, the sharp, invigorating scent of pine, the amazingly warm smell of Christmas baking. I love going to church on Christmas Eve. And being surrounded by the people I love, walking stocking-footed across the hardwood floors in the living-room, warmed by the fire in the wood-stove, lying on the floor and looking up through the branhes of the Christmas tree, the only light in the dark room.

Mmmm. I love love love the Christmas season. This is the last one that I'll have to "miss" in college -- finals finish on the 22nd of December, so there's hardly time to get home and enjoy everything about Christmas before it's over. Next year, John and I will be driving back home through the snow, to our parents' houses, dividing our Christmas again, Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with his.

And then in only a few years, we'll get to make that drive with our own child in the backseat of the car. Just that thought makes the breath catch in my chest...the idea of our child, the one with my hair and jb's ears, his eyes and my mouth, sitting in the backseat...and getting to watch as he experiences all the things we love about Christmas. I can picture him, through the ages, as we make the drive back to our parents' homes. The image my heart is stuck on, though, is when he's three or four. My heart aches, sometimes, with how badly I want to have this child.

I am so eager, so excited, so very ready. And although the sensible side of me knows that it's good planning for us to wait a few years, there's a part of me that doesn't care about that, that is consumed with the idea of our child, our baby, our dna and blood...our love and our heart, walking around outside our body.

And I can hardly wait.


so i haven't been posting the past few days because my name never showed up on the nablopomo list. posting everyday is nice, but i wasn't going to find time to do it when my schedule was swamped, since i wasn't even on the official list of participants.

of course, today when i looked at the list, my name is on it. i guess one could say that i'm irked. irked at myself for not continuing to post, and irked that my name wasn't on the list until nearly two weeks after this thing started.

grumble, grumble.

so in order to keep my spirits up, i'm going over to a friend's house and pretending to be interested in the nfl game on, and then going "shopping" (i'll be window-shopping, as i don't have anything i need right now except for two pairs of shoes and a pair of jeans) with a group of my girls whom i haven't seen at all this semester.

i'm filling up the day, trying to make the time go by faster so that john will get here sooner. he comes tomorrow afternoon, and i've been beside myself with excitement for the past week.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

the next year...

the next year...

I reviewed my Degree Progress Report this evening, to find out which classes I need to take next semester; insuring that I meet all requirements for graduation.

I thought I was going to have another 19-credit semester, and there was always the nightmare in the back of my head that something would occur that would prevent me from graduating...and that it would snowball from there, that because of me not graduating, John and I would have to live apart even longer, that he would be moving away to grad school while I have another semester here.

Much to my delight, I have 10 credits left to fufill; 12, in order to stay covered by my parents insurance. Two English classes, my Senior Thesis class, and then one 3-credit class of my choice. Senior Thesis is on alternate Fridays, from 3-5, and my English classes are both Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. I'm trying to find an easy, interesting 3-credit class that happens on Tuesday and Thursday nights, so that I'll have a lot of time off. Some weeks, I'll have Friday-Saturday-Sunday-Monday off, and other weeks, I'll have Saturday-Monday off. At any rate, I'll never have to be back on campus before Tuesdays at 1pm, so I could even visit John on the weekends and not have to leave his family's house until Tuesday morning!

This is great for more reasons, too: I have so much planning left to do for the wedding. So much. Aagh, sooo much. We have the two biggies nailed down -- the church and the reception hall-- but my checklist is telling me that we need to book our dj and photographer, and I need to start being fitted for my gown...we need to finalize our colours and number of attendants. I hadn't even thought about all this recently, because I've been so busy with The Midterms That Never End. So tonight, I spent a lot of time online, and found a great site for invitations (exactly like the ones we saw at the bridal shop, only, you know, like $300 cheaper!).

Lately, I've also become disenchanted with the dress I found back in August. I realized that, even though it'd be great on some people, it's not what I want; it's too bold and too harsh for me.

So tonight I was on the same designer's website, and I came across what I think is possibly the most gorgeous dress, ever. It's amazingly beautiful and classic, and not a penny more expensive than the other one!!

Here are two pictures that I took from the site, since I can't link to the specific page:

And the bride/model tripping gaily through the foam:

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


This entire semester has been marked by moments of sheer panic, worndering how on earth I'll be able to get something done on time, when I have sixty-five other projects due at the same time. And I go to sleep at night worrying about it, thinking that I'll probably die when the deadline (ooh, funny) comes, because what human would be able to do all this stuff at once and live to tell the tale?! And then the deadline comes, and all of my projects are neatly finished and turned in, and behold, I'm still alive. It's so anticlimactic.

This morning I had two pages of a 6-10 page paper finished, and then realized that the direction the paper was taking was not what I wanted to write about. So I redirected the paper, did extra research, and shortly before noon, turned in a super 8-page paper on the corruption in "Hamlet."

Yesterday and today were hellish, assignment-wise, with three papers, one test, and a quiz all due in the span of 24 hours.

I voted today, and I have never before felt so excited to vote and satisfied with how I voted. And the District Attorney? I know him. That's so weird.

I haven't worked out today, because I have shinsplints from an exercise class I took last night; I can hardly move my lower legs. Ugh.

I'm going to go make chili.

Tonight is my night to relax.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Definitely a Monday...

Definitely a Monday...

I've been fighting off a sinus-ey bug for the past four days, and have been headachey and feeling pretty low the entire time. I've still been persisting in my workouts, because I know that if I just sit here on my butt all day, I'll feel even worse (mentally, if not physically).

I've been gaining muscle like crazy, but my insane weight-drop has stopped, as I knew it would. I didn't step on the scale over the weekend, and I could tell when I woke up this morning that I'd be up a little bit on the scale. Agh. Even though I knew I would be, it didn't help when I actually did see it on the scale.

I hate seeing an increase, and charting today's weight on fitday was harder than any workout (maybe therein lies the problem? ;) ), but I can't let it get me down; really. I'm gaining so much muscle, and my arms and legs look better than they have in years --and my abs? I actually have abs now! I know that I'm looking a little better, and I know that I'm working hard at it, and that it will pay off, in the end. I can't give up, and I can't let this little increase disrupt my routine.

Yesterday I tried on a cute little skirt, and the medium (8/10) was roomy on me. Oh, that's such a nice feeling, and that feeling is motivation in itself!

The gym is closed because there are classes in there right now; so I'm going to go attempt to jog downtown.

Sunday, November 05, 2006



I am utterly lacking in inspiration (and time) today.

So shuffle along, now -- but don't think I won't give you something to keep you company.

Hip! I am hip. I tried to sew cinnamon rolls onto my head for the costume, but they made Marc cry and go binge on peas. Sometimes I don't understand him, but then I realize that's because he is choking on something and I have to Heimlich some embalming fluid out of his chest. -gfy

no, seriously, GO.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

breaking the records...

Congratulations to The Shark!

Samardzija had six catches for 177 yards and a touchdown. It was his 23rd career touchdown catch, breaking the school record set by Derrick Mayes in 1995.

(story via nbcsports)

I saw the play, and it gave me goosebumps, then made me cry. I love seeing people do well. Congrats, Samardzija!

Friday, November 03, 2006


Day 10, I think...

I've been religiously tracking my activities, calories (but particularly carbs), etc. on fitday, which is amazing. It records my progress toward my goal, keeps a chart of my weight, and is overall an incredibly useful tool.

I hadn't stepped on the scale yesterday, because I wasn't feeling up to it (I thought the scale might read an increase, for sure, even though I've good), so I made myself face the music this morning. I had enough time to either run errands and then go to class, or go to gym, and then to class. I told myself that if I didn't have a significant loss, or had increased, I would hit the gym; otherwise, if I had lost, I could run my errands first, and workout later today.

I was down again, bringing my total loss so far to 6.5 pounds!

I can't believe how ridiculously fast this weight is coming off. I'm eating well, lots of proteins and vitamins/minerals, some meat, vegetables...basically, anything except for sugar, corn, wheat, rice, and potatoes. I'm eating enough calories, and drinking a bit over 100oz of water a day; and I exercise between an hour and a half/two hours a day...not because I really feel that that much is competely necessary, but because I am enjoying it so much! I love the feeling of knowing that my body is getting healthier, that my muscles are getting stronger and that I'm slimming down.

It's so exciting!!

(a thousand words)

At Notre Dame...

Thursday, November 02, 2006

One Year Ago...

Exactly one year ago tonight, I met John. It's so strange, thinking back to last year at this time, exactly this time, I was lonely. I had realized that being with no guy was better than being with the wrong guy, but I still wished that I could be with the right guy, right then. I had no idea what was in store for me, that that very evening would change my life.

I remember that I was strangely excited when I first went over there (he wasn't even done with work, and I had no idea that I'd be meeting him), and had taken pains with my makeup, put in my contacts, and put on cute clothes. Why? I had no idea at the time, and was laughing at myself for doing so. Why bother to look so cute for my friend and her friends?

I remember everything about that evening, from the time I first saw him, to when we were introduced, to when I had the odd feeling that he was the one I should talk to, of all the people there, that he was the one I should get to when I asked him how to spell his last name (little knowing that in less than two years, it would be mine, too).

I remember that when we all went out a little later that evening, he drove, and saved the front seat for me. When he and I played pool against our friends, my heart was skipping beats all over the place because I knew that he liked me; yet when his roommate asked me (when John had stepped out for a minute) if I liked John, and what I thought the perfect date would be, I tried to quiet him down, because I didn't want John to hear and get freaked out.

I shouldn't have worried. I shouldn't have ever worried. All the time throughout my life, up to that point, when I ever worried about whom I would marry, or what path my life was going to take, were, in retrospect, useless, unneeded, and silly. I met John, and within hours, we knew that we were going to be together, that what we had was special, was different, and was something that we would want for life.

I was cleaning my room, going through one of my bags (due to my guilt at not going to class this morning, and determination to not squander the hour, even though I had [have] a massive headache]), and found this note:

I can't get over how funny it is, how yesterday at this time we didn't know anything about each other. How quickly things change.
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and find it was all a dream.

But it wasn't a dream; and it was amazing.

I mentioned to one of John's and my friends a few days ago, how our first anniversary was coming up. He was incredulous, and his jaw literally dropped open. I'd never seen such a look of surprise.
"Wait, your first anniversary?"
"As in, you've known each other for a year?"
"You're kidding me, right?"
"I always thought that you two had known each other for years! I thought you must have been high school sweethearts."
"No, no, we met last fall."
"That's unbelievable. ... I guess when you meet the person you're meant to be with, you just know."

And I thought back to a conversation that John and I had had about two weeks after we met each other...

"where are we?" i asked, out of the blue.
without having to ask me what i meant, he grew thoughtful, his arms around me. somewhere in middle-Europe; Germany or Austria, thought my mind, and i couldn't wait for him to answer, to see if he felt the same thing.
"vienna," he said, and my mind relaxed, happy. "we're staying in a townhome bed and breakfast, and it has wooden floors; at the foot of the bed, there's a fireplace." "and no animal fur, anywhere in the room," i added, referencing another trip we had pictured the day before.
he laughed, a soft chuckle; "yes, no animal fur."
"what did we do tonight?" went to a concert, went to a concert, i chanted mentally.
"we just got back from the opera," he replied.
"and it's snowing, and our gloves and scarves and long coats are drying by the fire," i said, getting caught up in the mental imagery.
"yes, it is. and right after the concert, we went out for wine."
my mind laughed, remembering our professor who got wasted in Europe; i opened my mouth to say, "except there's no wine, because karl drank it all," but he beat me to it.
"but karl's along, so there's no wine left."
"so we had to have coffee and cheese, instead." we laughed, quietly, and then i continued; "and we walked in the falling snow, across the beautiful bridge."
"yes, we did."
"where are we going next?" i asked.
"tomorrow, we're leaving for Paris."
"we'll be staying at a bed and breakfast on the champs d'elysses."
"and we'll take walks at night," referring to one of our favourite things to do.
"is the eiffel tower open at night?" i ask him; after all, he's the one who's actually been to Paris.
"i'm not sure."
"i want to go up there at night and look across the city, at the expanse of blackness the Seine is, outlined with lights."
"mhmm," he hums his assent, then continues, "and we are going to go to versailles."

we don't picture our future apart from each other, because why should we, when we have found each other?

he's what i always dreamed of, and didn't know really existed.

Yes. he's what I wanted then, and he's what I want, still. I am so thrilled at the fact that we get to spend the rest of our lives together.

I love you, John.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Nablopomo Initiation:

Last 5 songs I listened to:

1. You Were Meant for Me -- Jewel. It's so melancholy, and the wistfulness in her voice twists my heartstrings.
2. She -- Elvis Costello. So pretty and romantic! It makes me think of walking down a London street at night in late fall, wrapped up in John's arms, wearing a skirt that is too short for the weather, and tall heels, but not feeling the cold because I'm so happy to be with him.
3. Just Perfect -- Tracy Bonham. It's on my playlist because it's from "Bridget Jones's Diary," and it's pretty dreary and depressing. This song is like one of those evenings where you're alone, not wanting to see anyone -- and yet wishing that someone would come seek you out...loud raindrops strike the windows, then melt down the glass in streaks that warp the scene outside, morphing the happy people walking past into, seemingly, scenes from Picasso's dreams.
4. Twelve Two -- shiverydelicious. I love her voice, and this song is so touching.
5. Light and Day -- Yann Tiersen. From the Amelie soundtrack; it sounds like water cascading over stones on a sunny day.

Last 5 movies I saw:

1. Amelie [inspires me every single time I watch it; also has the side-effect of making me want to travel to France NOW; I made John watch it last time he was here, not too big of a challenge since it features Audrey Tautou.]
2. Ghost [part of John's quest to fill the pop-culture void known as my Early Formative Years. Yes, it made me cry. Yes, I laughed; I mean, really. It's Patrick Swayze.]
3. 12 Angry Men [ OoOOOoooh. Henry Fonda, you look like John! Excellent film.]
4. Peter and the Wolf [Disney version. I have to watch it every year at the first snowfall. Go ahead, laugh, but it's TRADITION, people!]
5. K-PAX [Kevin Spacey is an amazing actor, and I love this movie every time I see it.]

Last 5 books I read:

1. Moby Dick -- aagh. Herman Melville was a genius, but I wish he had been a genius who was more short and to the point, rather than going on and on for forever about something that he could have said in one run-on sentence. Rather like this one.
2. Typee -- Herman Melville. can you tell I'm taking a Melville class? And actually, I'm lying; I didn't read past the first 9 chapters; I sparknoted it after that point, and got 11 out of 10 on the next quiz.
3. The Glorious Adventure -- Richard Halliburton. I had a crush on him when I was younger, because he was so fabulously adventurous, and by reading his books, I got to experience all of those amazing places and scenes he saw. I never tire of his books -- and we have all first editions, which makes it even more exciting. I love old books.
4. The Time Traveller's Wife -- Audrey Niffenegger. I haven't read this one (except for in my head) since May; but I have to put it on the list because it is one book that has remained with me for more than a year and a half after first reading it. It's amazingly written, and I mull over her sentences and scenes in my head long after the pages have been turned.
5. Elizabeth's London -- Liza Picard. One of the birthday gifts from John; I took it along to one of my workouts and felt like a geeky snob, riding the stationary bike and reading about 16th-century social life in Great Britain (only I can't find it at this moment. I know I didn't leave it at the gym; where IS it?!).