Friday, September 30, 2005

Don't you give up now...

There is so much to look forward to. I haven't been this way before, anticipating what the next day could bring, loving being in the moment, loving the right-here-and-now, but I so am.

It's not been easy. It's been a gradual process, oh, so slow, learning to live in the moment; not to be so absorbed with the future that I lose touch with reality. There have been too many times in my past when things don't feel real; when I think back, and can't remember for sure if something actually happened, or was just a dream. I hate that feeling. I'm learning that I can have a focus (graduating in a year and a half) without it being overwhelming; that I need to soak up every moment of my life now. I try too hard sometimes, I work too hard, and it's destructive because I've felt my life passing by...but haven't felt as though I was truly living it.

I've been spending more time outside lately than ever before, loving this weather -- some of the last perfect weather we'll have; snow will be coming all too soon. And I'm savouring every moment I spend with wonderful people, imprinting these beautiful moments into my memory. My week has been a series of beautiful moments, wonderful memories, and anticipation for what lies ahead; which beautiful moment is right around the corner?

I'm in my room, with the little plastic globe lights on above the window, glowing balls of light against the blackness of the night; listening to the Beatles -- the "Abbey Road" album -- and the quiet wave-like sound of traffic, and mulling over beautiful moments from last night...

...sitting crosslegged on a futon, knees almost touching, eating delicious food and drinking wine...watching a video that was dubbed -- and never should've been dubbed. There were times in the movie, even (especially?) the most serious parts, where he and I couldn't help but dissolve into laughter, because the dubbing was so horrendous. I discovered that he isn't a Movie Talker, thank goodness, but just does the same thing I do; no running commentary, but comments occasionally on things that strike a funnybone...being enveloped in soft fleece...surreptitiously gazing at his hands as he played with his empty wineglass; maybe it's because I was trained as a musician for so long, but I always notice hands, and he has beautiful hands; strong hands, with long, slender fingers; hands that play the guitar, work out, and cook really, really great food.

I love that there is nothing at all pretentious about him. He's open, utterly real, with no scheming or trickery - and that is something that drew me to him in the first place; those eyes, they're so honest. He is very calm, which is amazingly nice; there are times I'll stress out over an assignment, but when he walks into the classroom, all my stress evaporates. It's as though he radiates calmness, and most moments, that's exactly what I need.

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