Thursday, October 27, 2005



There are so many times I don't post; I write posts, yet don't publish them. It's not that I find my thoughts particularly disturbing; instead, there are a few topics which, if I write about, make me feel naked. Those posts, I save as drafts to be re-read over and over by myself. Many of them are about someone; the posts about him I was hesitant to publish, mainly because I didn't like having a public electronic record, in case things don't work out. But lately, I'm realizing more and more that even if things don't work out the way I'd like them to, these thoughts are still here and won't change. Will I always be able to remember that I loved spending time with him? Yes.

There are a few random snippets I am okay with sharing, though.

There are so many students from Japan here this semester, living in my dorm. They're all so small and skinny, with tiny jeans and cute shirts and feathered, highlighted hair, and always ALWAYS cheerful, smiling and bobbing their heads whenever someone walks past. "Good morning!" they chirp, dipping their heads and grinning so hugely that it seems strange they don't have a ton of smile wrinkles yet.

In dance class...his arm around my waist, my hand on his shoulder, his fingers on my ribs tapping out the beat, and our bodies moving together as though they can speak a language of their own, one in our subconscious; we waltz like Cinderella and the prince, only closer; Cinderella in a short denim skirt and tights, and the prince in gym shorts and a t-shirt.

I walk alone on my side of the pavement, dodging the uneven parts, remembering a conversation we had, and my eyes look up and to my left, expecting to find themselves met by a pair of intent, calm eyes, anticipating seeing a brown knit cap and a ready smile.

I was a bit anxious about our last dance class, the one after The Talk. But I shouldn't have worried that it might be awkward. Instead, everything was perfect, and we danced together better than we ever have before. Rather than awkwardness, there was comfortableness; instead of being overly careful to maintain distance between ourselves and not touch each other, we were relaxed and close; I gave him space, but his arm drew me closer.

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