Sunday, April 17, 2005

i know you by heart

Early last year, my best friend and I were wondering about the possibility of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, but I noticed how uncomfortable he was with any silences; any gaps in the conversation, he was quick to fill with empty chatter; he even told me how uneasy he was with any silence.

--

This summer, I'll be going to the doctor, seeking help for ocd. It's worse now than it's been ever before, and I told Mom today that it makes me not want to have children -- unless this can be harnessed into control somehow. I don't want to have children while I'm like this; if I have kids, I want them to be born to a stable mother, one who doesn't have strange problems and phobias. I know I'm at high-risk for being a post-partum depressee, and I want to avoid it, curb it. It scares me sometimes, because I can't always control what I'm thinking or doing; I'm wearing a series of four bandaids on my left arm because when Dad was talking to me last night, one of the fingers on my right hand was scratching my left arm hard, not because of an itch, but because I was nervous; I looked down, and my arm was bleeding. I want to get help. I don't want to be like this.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hmm... it can be mind-bogglingly difficult for me to understand issues like ocd, and totally different ways of thinking (like a woman does)... so I can't really comment on this since it is so far outside my experiences and way of thinking.

But you mentioned you were being careful what you eat... I found that OCD is mostly caused by low serotonin, so I did a quick search to find what foods might contain serotonin or lead to increased serotonin production. There's this link:
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/0515.html
and I'm sure others. Might want to try some things there before doing something radical like taking brain chemistry altering drugs that no one really knows the long term consequences and effects it might have on a human.

Anonymous said...

darn it... that was me...
-court

djm said...

hey court,
the main reason I'd never sought help about this before is because of the drugs, because I don't want to be caught in the horrid spiral of a drug working for a while, and then my body adjusting, and then having to up the dose. I don't like the idea of meds, and I want to find a doctor who will try other things instead, or at least know of other options I could try before automatically going to the medication.

Anonymous said...

well I'm glad you've thought of it, and I do hope you find someone that does things that way. I can't imagine it being fun to be forced to be on lifelong drug treatments, and even on ever-increasing doses, as you said.

-C