dreaming of Rio

I was huddled under the 20-pound mound of blankets in the guest room, trying to regain feeling in my fingers and toes. The weather here has been barely reaching 40 during the day, very damp and chilly, with a howling, cutting wind that makes the outdoors so cold that my knuckles ache. I've worn the same sweatshirt for three days now, trying to ward off the cold, trying to ignore the goosebumps perpetually crawling over my flesh.

And suddenly, I was fed up with the futility of it all. For the first time in my life, I want to travel to an exotic, hot country. Funny, for a girl whose ancestors all lived far north of the 50N latitude line, who has always eschewed heat, who always slathers on sunscreen in the summer, who turns up her nose at the beach, sand, and sun. Funny, for a girl whose dreams lately have been of a small apartment in Indiana, our own, where 73 degrees sounds hot.

That said, I want to go to Rio. I want to lie in the sun, on the hot sand of Ipanema, not caring about sunscreen, and getting a tan for the first time in my adult life! Relaxing in a bikini in the hot sun, walking barefoot through the sand, falling into the waves, drinking rum, and kissing John in the midst of all this, surrounded by frolicking Brasilians. Strolling down the sidewalk in flip flops, a short skirt, and a bikini top, arm in arm with John, a breeze playing with my hair, big sunglasses keeping the sun out of my eyes; playing the part of the lazy tourists, exploring Rio, buying cheap trinkets and drinking a lot of rum.

So I'm sitting here, my frozen fingers wrapped around a mug of steaming coffee (complete with a splash of Puerto Rican rum for effect), listening to Latin music, trying to ignore the fact that just to my right is a window that displays a freezing March day in all its barren, faded, depressing glory.

Here, even the sunlight looks cold.

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!!

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!!

I am so freaking excited. It's snowing out right now, beautiful flakes falling purposefully towards the ground, undisturbed by any wind. The beautiful night makes me think of The Snowman, a movie that absolutely enchanted me when I was a kid.

Why am I so delighted? There are two main reasons:

1.) I love, love, love everything about Christmas
2.) Really, if the weather is going to be as cold and nasty as it has been the past three weeks, I'd like there to be snow on the ground. Thank you.

So I'm sitting here at my desk, only a little tired from my weekend, listening to "Christmas with the Academy" and thinking of all my Christmases. I love the smells of Christmas, the smell of the fresh, clean snow, the sharp, invigorating scent of pine, the amazingly warm smell of Christmas baking. I love going to church on Christmas Eve. And being surrounded by the people I love, walking stocking-footed across the hardwood floors in the living-room, warmed by the fire in the wood-stove, lying on the floor and looking up through the branhes of the Christmas tree, the only light in the dark room.

Mmmm. I love love love the Christmas season. This is the last one that I'll have to "miss" in college -- finals finish on the 22nd of December, so there's hardly time to get home and enjoy everything about Christmas before it's over. Next year, John and I will be driving back home through the snow, to our parents' houses, dividing our Christmas again, Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with his.

And then in only a few years, we'll get to make that drive with our own child in the backseat of the car. Just that thought makes the breath catch in my chest...the idea of our child, the one with my hair and jb's ears, his eyes and my mouth, sitting in the backseat...and getting to watch as he experiences all the things we love about Christmas. I can picture him, through the ages, as we make the drive back to our parents' homes. The image my heart is stuck on, though, is when he's three or four. My heart aches, sometimes, with how badly I want to have this child.

I am so eager, so excited, so very ready. And although the sensible side of me knows that it's good planning for us to wait a few years, there's a part of me that doesn't care about that, that is consumed with the idea of our child, our baby, our dna and blood...our love and our heart, walking around outside our body.

And I can hardly wait.

the senses of Autumn

recently, there have been unmistakeable signs that Fall is here at last. there are some things that always make me delight in the changing of seasons; going from scorchingly hot, dry temperatures to chilly, crisp days, makes me come alive.

the tastes of Autumn: pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks; caramel apple cider, also from Starbucks. pumpkin pie. macintosh apples. cinnamon. squash, with plenty of butter and salt. mashed potatoes. puffed brown rice with silk and brown sugar.

the smells: bonfires. cinnamon and nutmeg. bread baking in ovens. coffee, early in the morning. cranberry and pumpkin-scented candles.

the feels: the texture of corduroy. the warm snugness of a good sweater. thick, warm knits. the chilly nip of an autumn breeze. the heaviness of multiple quilts on the bed. waking up in the morning with a warm body and cold face. hand-made scarves keeping one's neck warm. warming poorly-circulated hands with a mug of piping-hot coffee.

the sights: a deep, rust-coloured orange. turkey red. gold. a rich brown. pine-green.

the sounds: football games in the cold evenings. the crunch and rustle of fallen leaves. the sound of flocks of canada geese migrating south. mary chapin carpenter's "10,000 miles." eva cassidy. norah jones.


what things remind you of Fall?