Monday, April 14, 2008

le moineau

I was inspired, just now, by some of Jeffrey Yamaguchi's 52 projects, and headed up to the office desk to let the creativity flow. I got as far as putting a coffee wash on one of my papers, then came back downstairs. And here I am, eating watermelon, coughing, snuggled in with a blanket, and getting a kick out of my husband's continuous political commentary.

Tomorrow I'm taking a sick day, and hoping that I won't be as sick as yesterday and today, so that I can enjoy my free day - it's my first real day that I've taken off since I started this job, seven months ago. I feel like maybe I can breathe, now, for a minute. Last week was horrendous, all my worries and feeling of drowning in the hopeless sameness of this job just coalesced into this big, horrible, dark monster. I nearly cried every morning when I had to go into the building, knowing that I wouldn't be back out for 10 hours. Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh. To make matters worse, there's a book that seems to taunt me every time I make eye contact with it at work: Encore: Finding Work that Matters in the Second Half of Life. Second half? What about this half?! I want to do something that matters now, matters to someone else and myself.

Something that has helped a bit, though, other than John's love, unasked-for footrubs, and his willingness to do the dishes many times during the week, no complaining involved, is my newly-developed habit of spending time up in the office (which I secretly call "the studio," and whose desk currently has my art supplies scattered across it. That's one of my most favourite things about art, to be frank; the supplies. I love the colors, the textures. The potential.). I slink up the stairs, a ramekin of water in my hand, and close the "office" door, turn on "Cat Power" or the "Amélie" soundtrack, or sometimes even just turn on an inter-library-loaned season of "As Time Goes By," and finally, finally relax, when watercolors are swishing and puddling across the paper.

(I'm working on a wordpress account right now; I just need a little somethin' somethin' new to help inspire me, I think. or maybe guilt at having a wordpress account and rarely using it? that would work, too. hopefully it won't come to that! I'll put the details here, when I'm done.)

My watermelon's gone, my coffee is dry, and I'm going to go kiss my husband (and try not to spread my flu germs), then retreat to the studio with my watercolours, while John reads a book on the Vietnam War.



abbeyd said...

has this job changed your mind about an m.l.s. degree?

your studio sound wonderful. before we moved, i was in the process of changing a spare bedroom into a room for my sewing, writing, etc.. now i just have a little corner and have been so uninspired to do anything there. my yarn stash collects dust.

can't wait until we have a house... *sigh*

dänika said...

well, i'm not sure. i mean, i know that right now, i'm pretty much just a peon in the grand scheme of librarianism, on the bottom rung of the ladder, but i've been there long enough to see how it works. and really, i don't envy the "real" librarians at all.

i think part (or most) of my problem is that i can't stand being inside without even being able to look out through windows, for 10 hours a day. YUCK! it's really hard for me, but then i feel like a whiner for saying that.


the "office" upstairs was originally designated as a space for John to work on his research papers and stuff. but he prefers to work downstairs at the kitchen table, so i finally claimed the room upstairs.

i feel so pompous, calling it a 'studio,' but really, saying that makes me feel as though i have more of a capacity to be creative. :P i'll have to take a picture of it, sometime. it's the one place in this apartment where i feel like i completely have my own space and can just do whatever i want - a hard thing to find in a little apartment. :)

and i know what you mean. i'm looking forward to not having to hear neighbors' every move and cough. urg.

Jen said...

We get to hear the neighbors bed squeak. :-/

dänika said...

heh, jen. lucky for us, our neighbor doesn't have a girlfriend (or boyfriend). or, if he does, it's one who never comes to visit him at his place, which is fine with me!

abbeyd said...

jen, they can probably hear yours too. :P

dänika said...

(heh. also, was going to say, it's nice that our neighbor is hardly ever home. otherwise, I'd worry about being That Neighbor. ;) )

Jen said...

Maybe they can, but I'm not sure. Their bedroom is right above ours, so it's mainly the floor we are hearing? I hope? Because I don't think our bed squeaks that loud...