John's upstairs, sleeping, and I should be, too. But lately, the days are seeming to go by so quickly - well, no. Not the days. The nine hours out of the day when I'm at work, generally go very slowly. The few hours of the day we have here at home at night, before we have to go to sleep, are the few that race by. I just wish there were more time. There are so many things I want to do, time I want to spend with my husband, and yet it seems like for 5.5 days out of seven, we just don't have enough.
The worst thing about getting done with a long day of work and coming home?
You work hard, go home tired, and then realize you have to start over the next day and do it all again.
I live for Sunday and Monday (our weekend, as I work all day on Saturdays; and John has an office hour Monday afternoon and class Monday night), the days we get to spend together, and I cook, clean, experiment with recipes (and without recipes), actually get enough sleep at night, praise him as he works on all his stacks of grad school homework, and sometimes, go thrifting. And as I pull myself through the week towards those days, each one that passes seems interminably long.
We're considering a new career path for us both, down the road: becoming certified to teach high school (I'm considering elementary education). Weekends off, reasonable hours, and, best of all, summers off. Time! Time to be had together! Time to travel! Time to spend with our children! What a novel idea!
I think a part of what is making me feel so confined right now is the fact that this schedule keeps up relentlessly. How do people do it for years on end, go to the same job, day in, day out, maybe a few vacation days a year? Are they not panicking inside? But I know I have to do this for us. I know that this, at least, is temporary. There are so many marrieds who have conflicting schedules, and it is so hard for them to be able to snatch any precious moments together. I am so blessed to have John, and I know that I would do this for years if I had to, for us. And then I think of my Dad, and how he's done hard physical labour all his life, and wonder how on earth he's done it for all these years, worked year-round, hard, heavy, terrible work. And then I realize...it was for us. His family. Because he loves us. And then I remember that that, truly, is why I do what I do; very different work, but the same mentality. I'm not doing it for me - I'm doing it for something bigger than myself: I'm doing it for Us. And really, shouldn't love be the reason? It's amazing.
And I'm tired and very emotional, and finally off to bed.
Goodnight.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Sunday, November 12, 2006
It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!!
It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!!
I am so freaking excited. It's snowing out right now, beautiful flakes falling purposefully towards the ground, undisturbed by any wind. The beautiful night makes me think of The Snowman, a movie that absolutely enchanted me when I was a kid.
Why am I so delighted? There are two main reasons:
1.) I love, love, love everything about Christmas
2.) Really, if the weather is going to be as cold and nasty as it has been the past three weeks, I'd like there to be snow on the ground. Thank you.
So I'm sitting here at my desk, only a little tired from my weekend, listening to "Christmas with the Academy" and thinking of all my Christmases. I love the smells of Christmas, the smell of the fresh, clean snow, the sharp, invigorating scent of pine, the amazingly warm smell of Christmas baking. I love going to church on Christmas Eve. And being surrounded by the people I love, walking stocking-footed across the hardwood floors in the living-room, warmed by the fire in the wood-stove, lying on the floor and looking up through the branhes of the Christmas tree, the only light in the dark room.
Mmmm. I love love love the Christmas season. This is the last one that I'll have to "miss" in college -- finals finish on the 22nd of December, so there's hardly time to get home and enjoy everything about Christmas before it's over. Next year, John and I will be driving back home through the snow, to our parents' houses, dividing our Christmas again, Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with his.
And then in only a few years, we'll get to make that drive with our own child in the backseat of the car. Just that thought makes the breath catch in my chest...the idea of our child, the one with my hair and jb's ears, his eyes and my mouth, sitting in the backseat...and getting to watch as he experiences all the things we love about Christmas. I can picture him, through the ages, as we make the drive back to our parents' homes. The image my heart is stuck on, though, is when he's three or four. My heart aches, sometimes, with how badly I want to have this child.
I am so eager, so excited, so very ready. And although the sensible side of me knows that it's good planning for us to wait a few years, there's a part of me that doesn't care about that, that is consumed with the idea of our child, our baby, our dna and blood...our love and our heart, walking around outside our body.
And I can hardly wait.
I am so freaking excited. It's snowing out right now, beautiful flakes falling purposefully towards the ground, undisturbed by any wind. The beautiful night makes me think of The Snowman, a movie that absolutely enchanted me when I was a kid.
Why am I so delighted? There are two main reasons:
1.) I love, love, love everything about Christmas
2.) Really, if the weather is going to be as cold and nasty as it has been the past three weeks, I'd like there to be snow on the ground. Thank you.
So I'm sitting here at my desk, only a little tired from my weekend, listening to "Christmas with the Academy" and thinking of all my Christmases. I love the smells of Christmas, the smell of the fresh, clean snow, the sharp, invigorating scent of pine, the amazingly warm smell of Christmas baking. I love going to church on Christmas Eve. And being surrounded by the people I love, walking stocking-footed across the hardwood floors in the living-room, warmed by the fire in the wood-stove, lying on the floor and looking up through the branhes of the Christmas tree, the only light in the dark room.
Mmmm. I love love love the Christmas season. This is the last one that I'll have to "miss" in college -- finals finish on the 22nd of December, so there's hardly time to get home and enjoy everything about Christmas before it's over. Next year, John and I will be driving back home through the snow, to our parents' houses, dividing our Christmas again, Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with his.
And then in only a few years, we'll get to make that drive with our own child in the backseat of the car. Just that thought makes the breath catch in my chest...the idea of our child, the one with my hair and jb's ears, his eyes and my mouth, sitting in the backseat...and getting to watch as he experiences all the things we love about Christmas. I can picture him, through the ages, as we make the drive back to our parents' homes. The image my heart is stuck on, though, is when he's three or four. My heart aches, sometimes, with how badly I want to have this child.
I am so eager, so excited, so very ready. And although the sensible side of me knows that it's good planning for us to wait a few years, there's a part of me that doesn't care about that, that is consumed with the idea of our child, our baby, our dna and blood...our love and our heart, walking around outside our body.
And I can hardly wait.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
One Year Ago...
Exactly one year ago tonight, I met John. It's so strange, thinking back to last year at this time, exactly this time, I was lonely. I had realized that being with no guy was better than being with the wrong guy, but I still wished that I could be with the right guy, right then. I had no idea what was in store for me, that that very evening would change my life.
I remember that I was strangely excited when I first went over there (he wasn't even done with work, and I had no idea that I'd be meeting him), and had taken pains with my makeup, put in my contacts, and put on cute clothes. Why? I had no idea at the time, and was laughing at myself for doing so. Why bother to look so cute for my friend and her friends?
I remember everything about that evening, from the time I first saw him, to when we were introduced, to when I had the odd feeling that he was the one I should talk to, of all the people there, that he was the one I should get to know....to when I asked him how to spell his last name (little knowing that in less than two years, it would be mine, too).
I remember that when we all went out a little later that evening, he drove, and saved the front seat for me. When he and I played pool against our friends, my heart was skipping beats all over the place because I knew that he liked me; yet when his roommate asked me (when John had stepped out for a minute) if I liked John, and what I thought the perfect date would be, I tried to quiet him down, because I didn't want John to hear and get freaked out.
I shouldn't have worried. I shouldn't have ever worried. All the time throughout my life, up to that point, when I ever worried about whom I would marry, or what path my life was going to take, were, in retrospect, useless, unneeded, and silly. I met John, and within hours, we knew that we were going to be together, that what we had was special, was different, and was something that we would want for life.
I was cleaning my room, going through one of my bags (due to my guilt at not going to class this morning, and determination to not squander the hour, even though I had [have] a massive headache]), and found this note:
But it wasn't a dream; and it was amazing.
I mentioned to one of John's and my friends a few days ago, how our first anniversary was coming up. He was incredulous, and his jaw literally dropped open. I'd never seen such a look of surprise.
"Wait, your first anniversary?"
"Yes."
"As in, you've known each other for a year?"
"Yes!"
"You're kidding me, right?"
"No...?"
"I always thought that you two had known each other for years! I thought you must have been high school sweethearts."
"No, no, we met last fall."
"That's unbelievable. ... I guess when you meet the person you're meant to be with, you just know."
And I thought back to a conversation that John and I had had about two weeks after we met each other...
Yes. he's what I wanted then, and he's what I want, still. I am so thrilled at the fact that we get to spend the rest of our lives together.
I love you, John.
I remember that I was strangely excited when I first went over there (he wasn't even done with work, and I had no idea that I'd be meeting him), and had taken pains with my makeup, put in my contacts, and put on cute clothes. Why? I had no idea at the time, and was laughing at myself for doing so. Why bother to look so cute for my friend and her friends?
I remember everything about that evening, from the time I first saw him, to when we were introduced, to when I had the odd feeling that he was the one I should talk to, of all the people there, that he was the one I should get to know....to when I asked him how to spell his last name (little knowing that in less than two years, it would be mine, too).
I remember that when we all went out a little later that evening, he drove, and saved the front seat for me. When he and I played pool against our friends, my heart was skipping beats all over the place because I knew that he liked me; yet when his roommate asked me (when John had stepped out for a minute) if I liked John, and what I thought the perfect date would be, I tried to quiet him down, because I didn't want John to hear and get freaked out.
I shouldn't have worried. I shouldn't have ever worried. All the time throughout my life, up to that point, when I ever worried about whom I would marry, or what path my life was going to take, were, in retrospect, useless, unneeded, and silly. I met John, and within hours, we knew that we were going to be together, that what we had was special, was different, and was something that we would want for life.
I was cleaning my room, going through one of my bags (due to my guilt at not going to class this morning, and determination to not squander the hour, even though I had [have] a massive headache]), and found this note:
I can't get over how funny it is, how yesterday at this time we didn't know anything about each other. How quickly things change.
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and find it was all a dream.
But it wasn't a dream; and it was amazing.
I mentioned to one of John's and my friends a few days ago, how our first anniversary was coming up. He was incredulous, and his jaw literally dropped open. I'd never seen such a look of surprise.
"Wait, your first anniversary?"
"Yes."
"As in, you've known each other for a year?"
"Yes!"
"You're kidding me, right?"
"No...?"
"I always thought that you two had known each other for years! I thought you must have been high school sweethearts."
"No, no, we met last fall."
"That's unbelievable. ... I guess when you meet the person you're meant to be with, you just know."
And I thought back to a conversation that John and I had had about two weeks after we met each other...
"where are we?" i asked, out of the blue.
without having to ask me what i meant, he grew thoughtful, his arms around me. somewhere in middle-Europe; Germany or Austria, thought my mind, and i couldn't wait for him to answer, to see if he felt the same thing.
"vienna," he said, and my mind relaxed, happy. "we're staying in a townhome bed and breakfast, and it has wooden floors; at the foot of the bed, there's a fireplace." "and no animal fur, anywhere in the room," i added, referencing another trip we had pictured the day before.
he laughed, a soft chuckle; "yes, no animal fur."
"what did we do tonight?" went to a concert, went to a concert, i chanted mentally.
"we just got back from the opera," he replied.
"and it's snowing, and our gloves and scarves and long coats are drying by the fire," i said, getting caught up in the mental imagery.
"yes, it is. and right after the concert, we went out for wine."
my mind laughed, remembering our professor who got wasted in Europe; i opened my mouth to say, "except there's no wine, because karl drank it all," but he beat me to it.
"but karl's along, so there's no wine left."
"so we had to have coffee and cheese, instead." we laughed, quietly, and then i continued; "and we walked in the falling snow, across the beautiful bridge."
"yes, we did."
"where are we going next?" i asked.
"tomorrow, we're leaving for Paris."
"yessss!"
"we'll be staying at a bed and breakfast on the champs d'elysses."
"and we'll take walks at night," referring to one of our favourite things to do.
"yes."
"is the eiffel tower open at night?" i ask him; after all, he's the one who's actually been to Paris.
"i'm not sure."
"i want to go up there at night and look across the city, at the expanse of blackness the Seine is, outlined with lights."
"mhmm," he hums his assent, then continues, "and we are going to go to versailles."
we don't picture our future apart from each other, because why should we, when we have found each other?
he's what i always dreamed of, and didn't know really existed.
Yes. he's what I wanted then, and he's what I want, still. I am so thrilled at the fact that we get to spend the rest of our lives together.
I love you, John.
Monday, October 30, 2006
VII
Day 7 (with a new addition)
I woke up this morning at 5:30. My body's still on Daylight Savings Time, and as I really enjoy being awake before anyone else (I'm the most productive very early in the morning and very late at nght), I'm going to keep my body on Daylight Savings Time as long as possible.
Anyway, I woke up and my legs were absolutely keeeeelling me. The pain went away about an hour later, so I think I might have just slept in an odd position, rather than overdoing it yesterday. Yippee!
I haven't gotten my workout in yet, as I've been totally productive on a paper all morning (had no idea how I'd be able to get it past three pages...and I'm currently in the middle of the sixth, with about two more jostling around in my head, anxious to get out on paper.
Oh, have to mention this because it's so cute: last night John called at 9 pm (he does every single night):
me: Hi honey!
him: Hello, my gorgeous sweetheart!
Oh, yeah, That's one of the many reasons I keep him around. ;)
Edited at 7:51pm to add:
Ugh. I had class at 11-12, 2-3, and 3-5:30, and had plans to exercise with one of my friends right after my last class. What a colossal mistake! I was so tired (remember, I got up at 5:30) before I even stepped onto the first machine. I still made it through 4.5 miles on the bike, 22 minutes on the treadmill, and ten on the elliptical (I set it for 20, but had such a hard time even getting to 10), but that is so far below what I have been doing lately, that I'm a bit down right now. I also didn't weigh myself this morning, merely because I'm in the middle of t-o-m and not feeling that super right now. So I'm waiting until tomorrow to have my weigh-in.
In other news, my paper turned out to be ten pages, and I had a blast writing it! We'll see sometime this week whether the professor likes it as much as I do, though.
So tonight I'm exhausted, and rejoicing that I don't have anything due tomorrow; I can sit here with my sugar-free twin popsicles (pina colada right now, yum!), watch "Friends," (or something equally brainless, as I'm not up to exercising any of my brain cells right now), and go to bed early. Yay!
I woke up this morning at 5:30. My body's still on Daylight Savings Time, and as I really enjoy being awake before anyone else (I'm the most productive very early in the morning and very late at nght), I'm going to keep my body on Daylight Savings Time as long as possible.
Anyway, I woke up and my legs were absolutely keeeeelling me. The pain went away about an hour later, so I think I might have just slept in an odd position, rather than overdoing it yesterday. Yippee!
I haven't gotten my workout in yet, as I've been totally productive on a paper all morning (had no idea how I'd be able to get it past three pages...and I'm currently in the middle of the sixth, with about two more jostling around in my head, anxious to get out on paper.
Oh, have to mention this because it's so cute: last night John called at 9 pm (he does every single night):
me: Hi honey!
him: Hello, my gorgeous sweetheart!
Oh, yeah, That's one of the many reasons I keep him around. ;)
Edited at 7:51pm to add:
Ugh. I had class at 11-12, 2-3, and 3-5:30, and had plans to exercise with one of my friends right after my last class. What a colossal mistake! I was so tired (remember, I got up at 5:30) before I even stepped onto the first machine. I still made it through 4.5 miles on the bike, 22 minutes on the treadmill, and ten on the elliptical (I set it for 20, but had such a hard time even getting to 10), but that is so far below what I have been doing lately, that I'm a bit down right now. I also didn't weigh myself this morning, merely because I'm in the middle of t-o-m and not feeling that super right now. So I'm waiting until tomorrow to have my weigh-in.
In other news, my paper turned out to be ten pages, and I had a blast writing it! We'll see sometime this week whether the professor likes it as much as I do, though.
So tonight I'm exhausted, and rejoicing that I don't have anything due tomorrow; I can sit here with my sugar-free twin popsicles (pina colada right now, yum!), watch "Friends," (or something equally brainless, as I'm not up to exercising any of my brain cells right now), and go to bed early. Yay!
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